Nevers & Withouts

by Heather Carnaghan

My heart has lodged itself
deep in my stomach,
wreaking havoc on other vital organs.

My throat is full,
choked by words I cannot find
and a howl I cannot let escape.

Grief is clawing at my soul
A fierce and frightening beast
that haunts my dreams
and lurks in the shadows
of every waking moment.

Fear surrounds me,
filling  places it never touched before,
of returning to life
of mothering as a ghost,
of all the “nevers” and “withouts”.